Departure: I think i'm getting better at it...

To everyone who was concern:

Thanks. Thank you so much for those comforting words, knowing that you're still listening reading made me feel sooo much better, words cant describe.

Thank you shann,

hahaha. you made me laugh, no its not pointless. its true. i get what you're saying. i guess i'll be seeing you in melb "if all goes well" now. :DD

Thanks kacy,

its been soooo long! haha. i hope its just a moment of lost and i get my grip FAST!

20 years old is enough to decide if i wanna linger on on this field. which currently not looking so bright, but it doesnt mean it wont remain the same after 10 years. you get what i mean? its just sooo vague. :/

p/s: but i do think i'd be much more happier doing freelance even if that means earning uncertain income. *gasp* 

thanks anyways :)

Thanks ammie,

:)))

hearing from you is always, always comforting!

kinda like a motherly figure. teehee.

i <33

Thank you amane unnie,

:)) i really hope i'm as focused as you are!

and special thanks to kimchi unnie, who texted me during work.

i almost wanna cry right then! which of course i did not because, wtf, if anyone cried just all of a sudden at workplace, it would either mean (1) something bad has happened. or (2) she must have HAVE some kinda mental disorder. I'm not any of those. 

Thanks unnie, i really appreciate that! <33

& also to someone surprise: Lester yong.

hahahah... damn random. he's the first actually, who "just found out" about my blog, coincidently an hour after i posted it or so.

Thank you, chatting with you was fun, really made me bright again for a while. :))

i miss you!

***

btw, I was MIA again didnt I? :P

apologize if anyone was worried. i love all of you!

so what happened in the last week?

okay let me recall. I've had a good thursday 30th. By joining kent and his amazing ex-colleagues for dinner at FRIDAYS in conjunction of kent's farewell and his colleague's  birthday. I had so much fun, i was talking, laughing, gawking and listening to so many fascinating stories, it made me realize how long i've not been around People. I was truly contented that i didnt wanna go home, but i have to cause i was driving. Oh, and i got my pay check. its just a mere rm700, but i feel damn good its time to shop! lol.

Then it was friday the 1st, and i was thankful that i have a job because its the FIRST TIME i was sooooo effing happy its 1st of May!! i even double confirmed that it is LABOUR DAY a week before. dork i know, but i've never took notice in labour day cause student's life has be truly wondrous. <333>i spent the wonderful holiday by playing The Sims2 ALL DAY. 

kinda pathetic but i dont care i was having sooo much fun. lol. 

and its kinda funny at times like this cause it would suddenly seem i've switch role with the boyfriend: Me with the games while he desperately try to get me off it, that he've given up. then complains "You're happier when you see them (my sims) than you see me". LOL. I love him.

Saturday 2nd, had family brunch, which i missed. [i dont know where i've been. i'm talking like i havent meet real people for a year or something :X ] then Qing and I went to Cineleisure for the warehouse sales which of course just bores me because, they rarely have my size and they dont have a fitting room. so suck with it. i was too busy disgusted by the venue and scary ppl to concentrate on browsing anyway. oh this i have to rant, they just rented a shop size, and thank you whoever that was, the finishing of the lot was EWWWW-ishly-unbelievable-believe-it, they had a platform (for godknowswhy) and the flooring was deteriorating rendered cement only. and poor-poor-poor lighting. I know its just a warehouse sales, its supposed to be cheap. but please dont hold anymore events like this, indoor or with restricted area. it was truly a fuss to move from point A to point B eventho it really was just at the end of the aisle, the orientation would be filed into a  "one way traffic" to accommodate the ppl let in, and when someone from the line "park" to browse. yes you get "traffic jam". its an even more pathetic way to waste time than hanging with my sims. you get the idea. 0:) Anyways, I later watch Make it Happen. my review: the show is HOT! Cathay is not. kinda shocking that cathay only lets ppl in at the ticket printed time, so that means they dont start the show on-time. *swt*

Sunday 3rd. I dont know which switch of me went wrong, but i know i was extremely snappy that day. I just wanted to stay home and do nothing, (usually days like this goes wrong when i'm out) but i couldnt say no to my parents, not after what i felt like i havent seen anyone for so long. so i just tag along and be chauffeur, but to my dismay they picked me to complain about. (-.-) yes it was grrrr-eat! [wtf?!] and i snapped on automobile which only made it worst. and i was pissed, at myself, and at something anyone of the family should not have said to any other of the family under any circumstances. yes it was nasty, but that did not come from me and i seriously could not believe that person said that still. But i guess now i review on it, the person was guilty which was why the person did not make any more comment when i snapped again in the evening over an even smaller issue like making cold noodle sauce. it was laughable, but i snapped. and then i skipped dinner to sulk which was scarily wrong. because i dont just skip my meal for whatever reason to emo. and i dont know why am i emo-ing, i just felt wrong, and somewhere in me just screams this isnt all. it was already 11pm and i was still emo-ing for no reason, and getting ready for bed for the zillionth time because i was choking from snort, and mr.wtf was assuring me nothing's wrong because i just keep saying i dont know whats wrong but there's something wrong with me. then very abruptly i cooled down the same time my mom called for me and my sis. I ignored her and went on to prepare myself for the last time of the night for bed. and i was amazingly slow at it, Qing even manage ran up and down twice before telling me to get ready to visit my grandma (mother's side). which of course i suddenly felt.. lifted and calm. i'm not quite sure if this's what i'm suppose to be feeling. but thats what i felt. i think its the numbness from all the departures i'm secondary linked or so. there was no more tears later on. and I just prayed that she be lifted off all her pain please. Grandma didnt look good, she slept/was unconscious contorted-ly, with her right hand in a truly discomfort way, I couldnt bare to look. They was saying by the way it looks, she shouldnt be able to live for another 24 hours.

Monday 4th. work.

Tuesday 5th. I feel extremely good at about 4+pm. kinda a surprise cause i dont even feel bright when i leave work at 6+ on workdays. and its tuesday, i usually only feel the happiness on thursday cause friday's the last day of work week. but anyways just got on with work and went back to an empty home, with full cars. which was when i started questioning whats the festival. Later, mom got home, told me grandma moved on, and i dont remember being stunt. I guess i did handled it pretty well, didnt i? :) 

& we went to see grandma for her first final respect.

the miracle of it all? grandma passed on at around the same time i was suddenly lifted.

Wednesday 6th. work. 2nd final respect, chanting and etc to ease grandma's crossover to the other world. I was a little upset bout the whole procedure cause we'd be burying her on the next day; so its just a total of 3 or less days ceremony, it may seem long to certain ppl, but it appears scarily fast for me to handle, and that saddens me. But when i saw her for the last time this night, she was beginning to turn grey/green, and that scared me. But there was alot of miracle this night. First, the weather was not exactly windy, just a little cool, but when we burned those paper houses, servants, kaching and etc, despite the HUGEEE fire roaring, it was not HOT. instead, a very comforting warmth, and its quite amazing at how those remnants of burning material/fire pieces flew high into the sky... creating a magically beautiful scene rather than something scary and sad. It was rather unbelievable.

& that was not all. When i slept that night, i dreamt of a very very very very happy dog, she was a yellow, local stray dog, who's sooo soo happy her happiness is influential. running/skip/dancing (how happy dogs run and jump) from the place we burned the paper house towards where grandma used to live. and everyone who saw her, may it be people or dogs would join in the celebration. Okay, dog, because i was reading a PAWS email about pulau ketam strays before i sleep. But i presume grandma's now much happier than she was. :))

Do not bullcrap me with "dreams are opposite of whats real". I dont believe in that saying, i guess the proper sentence for it should be "reality is never as nice as dream".

Thursday 7th. when we all return to earth -slash- Burial.

& thats it. Fast aint it?

Dont worry, really i'm not feeling any down right now.

I've grown up! :)

Goodbye grandma.

I love you. :)

- Faye