i suppose i should elaborate.
Work. makes me realize that i have learnt nothing from my 3 years with Taylors. Failure.
Friends. makes me realize i am quite a loner. Failure.
Architecture. makes me realize I am in no way gifted for this & damn tempted to just go burn myself to death. what a tragic way to die. Failure for being ungifted. Failure for thinking bout death.
Money. makes me realize Architecture is NOT the way to earn bucks. & tempted again to just disappear. Failure cause money > interest = architectureFAIL. Failure again for thinking bout vanishing.
Decision. makes me realize I AM NOTHING cause i cannot conclude. -1 Failure, cause i am disappearing, literally.
mr. mbp. makes me realize i need it even when i'm not using it. failure for being so dependent.
the reason i am so down these days:-
- an uncle passed away on friday the 10th.
- peggy's grandma passed away on sunday the 12th.
- i am very bad at departures.
- i am still negative on continuing a course that would not let me earn and spend as i like. wtffffffff.. i can seriously kill myself for living as if i'm in poverty already. fuck architecture. fuck internship.
- I just got into a car accident on monday the 20th. it was tragic. the other car who hit me by trying to cut into my lane very suddenly, ended up in the opposite direction road, it went riding over that huge divider into the opposite direction. Thankfully there was little to no cars; the driver was safe. It was NOT my fault. I was not hurt or anything, only my car bumper was dented. but i was shocked. and scared. and i stop my car. and started weeping. and jitter. i felt lost. I couldnt even get out of the car, all i did was cry, cuss and hope that someone pick up their phone. and that crazy driver would not come over. and decided that I am a scaredy cat afterall.
- I go to work feeling extremely useless, and demotivated.
- I go to work looking at the same site plan and could not develope.
- I go to work each day feeling even lower than the day before for still not able to imagine fancy ideas and concept. I just fidget with the dead geometrical shapes making it look nice on plans. at the same time, ready to be told "you're very troubled" again. I am indeed. I could not think out of the box. and that is really killing me when all my seniors could run when i stuck fast on the spot. it sucks. period.
- I come home two days in a row to a house with only tweety and the tv set. and dinnerless. I look at my phone. and decide that there's no one i could just call and go over without feeling any less annoying.
- I go to bed each day feeling that i've waste a day's time staring at my project developing nothing. and hated waking up in the morning because it would be the same routine.
- I cringed when my boss sneared "how did you graduate?" when i am totally blur bout "the golden rule". I really did not learn anything from my three years with taylors did i?
- I get emo realizing how uninteresting i am.
...i've wasted 20 years. now what do i do?
If only i'm a computer, i would shut myself down for a few days. and reformat.
- needs time to change.